A cat on the verge of a nervous breakdown

Chapter 1

My name is Tiger and I want to tell my story. I heard a lot about the therapeutic benefits of writing. As I’m quite distressed these days, I decided to give it a try.

On paper, I have everything a cat could hope for. I live in a cozy apartment on the ground floor with a tiny garden which is always accessible (with some yummy plants, just for me). Most of the time, I’m on the sofa or on a cushion or simply on the floor. At night, I go to sleep on the bed with my servant. If I want some indoor exercise, I walk around the two-bedroom flat, I check every room carefully, I scratch the wooden writing desk (my favorite scratch pad) then I always finish my tour by the kitchen where my water and food are as well as my personal toilet (luckily far enough from my food, in the back kitchen).

But recently, something is not right. I can tell you that my servant is not in high spirits. I had to remind him a couple times to give me food. How difficult is it to remember that I need my dry food as well as my wet food every morning and evening? How difficult is it to remember to get the wet food out of the fridge so that I don’t choke on it because it’s way too cold for my sensitive stomach? How difficult is it to add my vitamins twice a day and provide my treats when I ask (but not too often as I don’t want to become obese and let’s face it, I can’t resist treats)?

I’m already ten years old and even though I kept myself in a good shape and religiously avoided any extra effort, I still feel the weight of the years. I need tender loving care more than ever. I also don’t see as well as I used to.

Recently, I have decided that I won’t be jumping anywhere anymore. It’s too much trouble and requires too much effort, especially when you have a servant ready to lift you anywhere you want. There again, he used to get it the first time when I asked him for a lift. Not anymore. I ask once and if he doesn’t get it, I simply walk away. Does he really think I will beg for such a basic service? I can be happy as a clam on the floor or on the carpet.

Nevertheless, I have decided to get to the bottom of it and understand what’s wrong with his life and fix it. After all, he is my responsibility, my servant. I must help him out.

He firmly believes that I don’t understand human language. He is so funny. Like I don’t understand when he tells me with a soft and cajoling voice:

“Tiger, let’s get into your bag; you are due for a repeat vaccination.”

 I escape swiftly behind the sofa or inside a cupboard, where I’m sure he won’t be able to find me. I hate going to the vet and I’m proud to say that I’m totally anti-vaccine. But unfortunately, Charlie doesn’t get it. He is usually so afraid of diseases that he took all possible vaccines himself and usually go see his own vet almost every month and then brag about it when he comes back home. I don’t understand how he can enjoy being around sick people with this awful smell of medicine floating around. He always comes back saying out loud how relieved and happy he is to know that he has nothing serious to worry about. I heard his best friend Noah call him a hypochondriac once. Not sure exactly what it means. We, cats, don’t have this kind of problem.

Anyway, for now, I would like to get to the bottom of this mystery: what is keeping Charlie from focusing 100% on me. Let’s start our investigation now, as he is just coming back from work. What a drag. Instead of peacefully sleeping, I’ll have to listen to him.

“Hello Tiger, how are you doing?”

That’s a good sign, right? He is focusing on what matters! Some days, he comes back from work and totally ignores me, I hate when he does that.

I decide to jump out of the sofa and walk towards him to greet him while he takes his shoes off. Maybe I will rest on them for a while. Oh no, he is moving to the kitchen now to put the food he bought in the fridge, never mind, I’ll go later. I love his shoes. I used to put a dead cockroach in them, or any insect I could catch, as a gift he would find in the morning. What a lovely way to start the day, isn’t it? Now I don’t hunt much. Getting old is no fun.

“I know you can’t talk to me. You probably don’t understand either, but you are all I have. I feel very lonely; I need a partner. Noah is advising me against using any dating app. Says I’m too naïve and would get scammed. Really?”

A dating app? Now what’s that? Can’t he just go out, find a female in heat and get on with it? Oscar, my cat friend, does it every time he wants a female and boy, he does need one often. More importantly, why would he need a female in his house when he has me? Can you believe that he didn’t even ask my permission?

“I’m sick and tired of being alone, so I can try it and if I don’t like anyone or nobody likes me, I would have tried. At least.”

Alone? Hello? And what about me? Don’t I count for anything? I really should have watched my servant a little more closely in the past few months. I must admit that I took him for granted. Maybe I should show him more affection to take his mind away from this crazy idea of having another human in MY house. On second thought, it would mean that I get two servants instead of one. That might not be such a bad deal after all, especially considering how forgetful this one has been recently. And as he gets older, it might even get worse.

“Oh Tiger, I’m so happy to have you. You are already sleeping on my keyboard to show me the way: proceed with a profile on a dating app. Clever cat you are.”

Finally, a comment that does me justice. I don’t really want him to push me away from the keyboard, it’s warm and provides a gentle massage on my stomach.

“How on earth do I start with this profile? What interesting things could I possibly write about myself? Lonely banker looking for a long-term relationship leading to marriage?”

Why is he not simply stating his pedigree? British guy, 59, tall, slightly bald, slightly overweight but decent looking and with a great asset to seduce anyone: a lovely and beautiful short hair tabby cat called Tiger. Et voila!

“OK, so I just need to put banker. It should attract a lot of women. It’s stable, good salary, good pension. Yes, but then I may only attract gold diggers. No, I don’t want that either.”

I have no idea what he is mumbling about. It just takes for ever to write this profile and I feel so sleepy.

“My age might be an issue. Or not. After all, we are in Hong Kong. The older, the better in Asia. For men, that is. I can even write that I’m handsome, not a completely accurate description but it’s like marketing: a little lie to sell the product.”

It seems to make him happy. Humans go through a lot of trouble to find a partner. I prefer our ways.

“Now I need to choose some pictures. Some from a few years ago will do. I need to find some. Which ones do you think look the best, Tiger?”

Can’t he understand that I really don’t care? I’m dreaming of the roller lint. I know that most of my buddies don’t like it, but I enjoy it so much. It’s like a combo of massage and hair removal. I could go next to the roller so that he understands what I want. It’s annoying that I can’t speak to him directly. I’ll need to consult Oscar. Unfortunately, we don’t spend a lot of time together, mostly when either one of our servants goes on vacation. Maybe he has some ideas to improve the communication with our servants. It’s tiring to ask over and over before being served.

“I’m not so sure it’s a great idea after all. What if Noah is right? I think I’d better ask him to come over and have a drink and a chat before I go ahead with this dating app. Better be careful. Also, I’m not thrilled with the idea of having to meet lots of women. They may have viruses. I may even have to kiss them, and I can’t possibly shake hands and disappear in the bathroom to wash my hands. Yeah, it might not be such a great idea.”

I have, I believe, a much better idea indeed. Why not give Charlie the same surgery I had? After that, I stopped needing a female, I’m perfectly content with being alone. It might do the same with Charlie and have him focus finally on taking care of me.

“OK Tiger, I can see you agree with me. Let me call Noah first. “

I’m not sure he agreed with my idea. Is he calling Noah so that they can go to human vets and get it over with?

“After that, how about giving you a little roller lint massage? I know you love it so much.”

A little massage followed by a nap. I love my life.

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ISBN: 9798397713146